by Teddy Westside
Mr. DUD Tommy Gimler asked me to write a story about baseball. I love baseball, but I certainly got the horseshit assignment of writing about the bummest team perhaps in all of the AL…and that INCLUDES the Astros. At least, well, for this year.
Boy, the Minnesota Twins fell off the map of relevancy faster than the Macarena did. For a team that pumped out winning seasons for nearly a decade, to go through two really rough seasons can be hard. But buckle up Twins fans, because it might be the norm for a while…
Offense
The Twins offense starts with Joe Mauer. Mauer reaches more bases on the field than off it…and we all know ball players pull down some good trim. Mauer’s CAREER OBP sits at .405. Mauer is the closest thing to a “sure” bet on making it on base in the entire league.
Now, there have been two huge knocks on Mauer throughout his life: No power and always hurt. Let me offer some guidance in these areas: Joe Mauer is NOT a power hitter. If you watch him, he is never swinging for the fences. All Joe does is hit. He hits well. His swing is perfect. The game of baseball does not revolve solely around bombs. And sure, he has missed a lot of games in the past couple of years with a whole range of injuries. The biggest ones, however, were concussions. Those now should be completely mitigated (barring a freak accident) with Joe’s move to first base instead of catcher. I expect Joe to get well over 600 plate appearances this year, something he has only done once since his MVP year in 2009.
The awesome part is that Mauer will basically own real estate on the base paths this year. The shitty part is that the Twins don’t seem to have anyone else who can hit. Josh Willingham returns and that seems about as cool as the return of the band Hanson. Trevor Plouffe has been known to hit bombs, hitting 38 in the past 248 games he has played, but he can’t seem to hit over .250 and can’t seem to stay on the field. Kurt Suzuki was a solid pick up to replace Mauer and wait for Josmil Pinto to develop behind the dish, but he isn’t turning heads or putting asses in the seats.
So, who do the Twins have? Well, perhaps Brian Dozier can keep developing. Dozier came out of nowhere last year hitting 18 bombs from the second base position and swiping 14 bags. The Twins had no one hit more than 20 home runs last year, and Dozier actually led the team. He hit only .244 but had a pretty respectable OBP of .312. His defense was beyond fantastic too. Could he be the long term answer at 2B for Twins? Possibly.
Oswaldo Arcia is another interesting player. He has only played in 97 big league games, but he hit 14 bombs. Perhaps he can also put it together and add some much needed power to this line up.
As a team the Twins were pretty dreadful last year. They struck out 1,430 times. That was second-most in the entire league. It should have been first but the Astros are still in the league. The good news is, because of all those strikeouts, they grounded into the 2nd fewest double plays last year. Silver lining…
Pitching
Ugh. When your opening day starter is slated to be Kevin Correia and your website is throwing out articles that say “Steady Correia shores up improving Twins rotation” you are in trouble. But they are rolling with a guy who led the team with nine wins all of last year. Let me repeat that in case you were too busy downloading porn: No pitcher had double digit wins on this team last year. Kevin Correia led the team with NINE. 9!!!! And he did so with a 4.18 ERA. The Twins pitcher with most strikeouts was also Correia at 101, which ranked 114th in MLB last year.
The Twins paid Ricky “Bitch Tits” Nolasco to the tune of $49million over four years, and that this is the largest free agent contract in Minnesota Twins history. Phil Hughes was also picked up off the scrap heap. Phil Hughes is 2-1 at Target Field with a 2.11 ERA for what it is worth. You know what though, it really doesn’t matter…these guys could go out on the mound, take a shit on the dirt, wipe their asses with the resin bag and chuck a stink ball and they would still be an improvement over anyone the Twins had last year. That is what happens when your team ranks dead last in strikeouts and batting average against (BAA).
Next up is Mike Pelfrey. I have nothing good to say about this guy. Or really any of these guys.
The wild card could be their 5th starter, Samuel Deduno. Deduno won 8 games in limited time (108 innings) last year. He had a respectable 3.83 ERA. If he can bring his walks down (41) and keep some of the free runners off the basepaths, this guy could be a solid starter that gives his team a chance to win every night.
That is honestly the best thing I can say about any of these guys. Perhaps, every other start or so, they will not give up 6+ runs and allow their offense to manufacture enough runs in late innings to scratch out some wins. Ugh, I’m going to take another shot of whiskey to get that shitty taste that is the Twins rotation out of my mouth…
The bullpen isn’t the worst, at least. But it isn’t the best either though. The bullpen last year got overworked due to the ineptitude of the Twins starting rotation. If the starters can eat innings and go deep into ball games, the Twins bullpen can take it from there. In the back of the bullpen sits former starter-turned-closer Glen Perkins…
Key Acquisition(s): Rickey Nolasco, Kurt Suzuki, Phil Hughes?
Key Departure(s): Ryan Doumit
Sexiness of Schedule: The Twins get to match up against the likes of the Tigers, Indians, and a young Royals team for the majority of their games. It is interesting to note that the Twins were actually NOT in last place in their division last year despite deserving it. The White Sox, though, finished with a worse record. That isn’t as bad as the AL East or anything, but if Kate Upton is a 10 and Precious is a 1, we’re giving Minnesota’s 2014 schedule a 4, or in other words, Renee Zellweger…
Why They Will Win: Well, they won’t. But how COULD they? It would have to start with injuries forcing other teams to lose steam. Some injuries to the Tigers’ rotation would really help. Then, the Twins will have to come out of the gates hot, not like they are in quicksand like last year. They will need to keep pace as best as they can while their younger guys start to figure out the game and get adjusted to big league pitching. Then, after the All Star Break, they will have to kill it. They will have to play .500 ball on the road (something they can’t seem to do) and .700 ball at home. And their September call-ups (Perhaps Byron Buxton and Alex Mayer) need to come up and contribute immediately.
Why They Won’t Win: Because they won’t be able to get Mauer home. Mauer will be stranded on the basepaths longer than Tom Hanks was on the Island in Castaway. The rotation will do their best high school virgin impression and blow up way too early in every game, leaving the bullpen taxed by mid-season. Also, the Tigers, Royals, and Indians…
2013 season: 66-96 (4th Place in the AL Central)
2014 Predictions:
Vegas: 71.5 wins (5th, AL Central)
The DUD: 70-92 (4th, AL Central)
Clay Davenport (Baseball Prospectus): 71-91 (5th, AL Central)
FanGraphs.com: 69-93 (5th, AL Central)
Ben Berkon (Bleacher Report): 4th place, AL Central
